Second String

I sit up every night, alone in my basement, watching meaningless shows i hope to live through. I sit in front of my computer in anticipation of just one message, one glint of hope that someone out there actually cares. The ones who ask how i am don’t actually listen to my answer. Whatever i say, they already know they’re response. They all “wish they could help” but make no attempt. I feel like a nuisance to anyone i talk to, like they’d rather be anywhere but talking to me. Others know something is wrong and don’t even bother to ask. They just ignore me. Maybe it will go away and they won’t need to deal with me. I cry myself to sleep at night hoping that when i wake up it will have all been a nightmare and that i would have a life like those in the shows i watch with the perfect friends and family, perfect boyfriend and perfect house. Even if they screw up everything seems to fix itself by the next episode. The parents forgive their kids and actually support them with life lessons. The girls are all perfect, none of them with a hair out of place, a piece of clothing out of style or an ab undefined. No wonder they always have the perfect guy. I’d love to feel the comfort again of arms wrapped around me holding me close to their chest, hearing the beat of their heart and knowing they’re there for you and you’re safe. I’m tired of being the third wheel; i’m tired of being looked at as second string.
Second string: story of my life . I’m second string with all my friends, second string for curling, second string at school. There’s always someone else that everyone would rather be with, hang out with, or talk to. There’s always someone smarter and more talented no matter how hard I try and dedicated i am. What’s the point? I just come up short.
When everything seems to be going wrong and i get stressed, on the ice is the only place where i can forget everything and just focus on the game. Competitive curling is the best part of my life and is where i’m happiest. There’s a difference between competitive curling and curling for fun. Curling for fun still gives me that great feeling but due to a lack of competition my mind can wander. Competitive curling is truly the only thing that can clear my mind and after one disappointing weekend, of again showing everyone i am worthless, this part of my life is over for another season.
Christmas music starts on the radio. It makes me smile because of its magic and ability to fill me with joy. The feeling Christmas gives you is indescribable. But then i listen more closely to some of the songs. Spending it with someone special, curling up by a warm crackling fire, hoping to spend time with the one you love. But for me another Christmas spent alone, you’d think i’d be used to it, it will of course be my 19th year, i should be a pro at this by now.
The weather has started to get cold, the wind blows harder, soon the snow will start and we’ll be seeing less of the sun. It’s a dark time of year and i find myself continually searching for that light. It’s a time where i seek someone close the most. I’m not a demanding or high maintenance person but i need comfort in knowing that someone is there for me when i need someone to talk to.
It’s 2am, time to pack it up, grab my dog and venture up to my room where another cold and lonely night awaits me with false hopes and dreams of the tv shows i live for and hate to love.